Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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