I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
