It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
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Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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