Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
