My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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