census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
