I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
