My liver just broke up with me...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
