benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
