Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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