I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
