If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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