ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
