I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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