oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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