I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You pole danced in your parka.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
