I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
