so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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