a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
