Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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