Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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