We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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