I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
its liver damage thursday
Randomize