Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
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There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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