I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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