I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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