i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
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The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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