Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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