Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
