you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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