if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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