true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
