coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny