I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
