the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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