Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
