To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
