she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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