I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
