Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
