Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
