I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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