It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
