I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
