Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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