My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
