No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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