glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
