why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
