Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
