omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
