As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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