Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
