I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
