You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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