you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
