my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
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He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.