my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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